This is your sign to travel around with your siblings.

As adults.

No significant others.

No kids.

Nothing against the family you’ve formed in your adult life, because likely your adult family has filled the holes that your given family dug. You need your chosen family. But your spouse and children of present weren’t the people rolling around the “way back” of a 1989 Suburban, traveling down I-95, unbuckled, crammed with blankets and pillows just shy of suffocation. The family you’ve custom-built didn’t have the glory of living through the aristocratic years… when such riches as a rigged-up tiny TV plugged into the cigarette lighter of the car, fights over the new Sega Game Gear, and bouncing around like overcooked sausages traveling with bellies full of “fancy” food from Denny’s was your life.

Although in your world, planes were only reserved for families with the last name McCallister, it didn’t matter because a 5-hour car ride was tackled with the same “can do” attitude as a 20-hour journey (no planes needed). And as much as you try block it out, the sibling battles that occurred in that moving “living room” going 85+ mph down the highway are forever engrained in your soul.

Your chosen family has been shielded from these scenes, and you’ve been protected from your significant other’s previous life as well (who really knows what happened in the back of their station wagon??).

Sibling relationships are tricky. And if you are one of the few who never fought with your siblings, or you are lucky enough to have children of your own that never fight, stop reading! The next few lines will scare and perplex you.

If you have sibling trauma or your kids try to kill each other on the regular…proceed.

Looking back on my relationship with my three brothers, it was tough. The violence was real, and as the oldest, admittedly, there is blood on my hands.

A normal weekend could entail the following: folks getting pushed down stairs, hung from doorknobs by their underwear, verbal abuse of the worst kind and a gang mentality aimed at the youngest– convincing him he was adopted or that Mom was never coming back after a short trip to the grocery. No, none of these atrocities make us proud. But don’t crimes of war earn empathy? Well, sibling crimes deserve the same grace.

No matter how bad the relationship or how traumatic the fighting, siblings do have a common goal weaved through every interaction, which is to undermine the autocratic leadership under which they live: the leadership of Mom and Dad.

Time doesn’t heal ALL wounds, but Band-Aids help, and maturity soften grievances. Plus, the farther away from living with “Mom and Dad” you get, the more you realize that there are only a small fraction of people in the entire world that know the whole story and the woven fibers of eluding and undermining “Mom and Dad” never die. That small group of people that know everything are…your siblings (for better or for worse).

This past year, my brothers and I swapped the “way back” of a Suburban for the “way back” of coach seats on an Aer Lingus flight to Ireland. Just the four of us.

I’ve never experienced such a whirlwind of emotions–laughter, tears, and a deep desire to stay while simultaneously wanted to sprint back to my life. As we drove along the coast of Ireland, my brothers insisted on listening to an endless playlist that consisted of bands like the Pixies and the Vaselines–not my first choice. In turn, they were forced to hunt for the “perfect Irish sweater” and became innocent bystanders and willing participants as I pestered every musician, in every pub, in every town, to play “Linger” by the Cranberries–definitely not their choice!

This trip worked because we were at places in our lives that allowed us to make concessions and…we just made it work.

As we are all deadlocked in changing our lives for the better in the name of New Year’s resolutions, maybe this is your “tap on the shoulder”.

A trip might not be in the cards for you and your siblings, and I certainly do not want to force anyone into a harmful situation (remember, time doesn’t heal all wounds and these relationships can be tough). But a cup of coffee or a phone call to those that know all the tales of your childhood is a great first step.

To all the parents out there, including myself, you can have faith knowing that those kids fighting in the backseat of your SUV, driving you nuts and having you question your sanity and actually worrying if they might actually kill each other…

They will be okay and will be closer for it.

We are…